Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
