I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
