Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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