Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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