i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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