I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
