We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
