Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
