Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
