My Higher Power is John Stamos
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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