Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
