Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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