i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
