So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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