You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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