My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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