Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
