Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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