Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
