i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
