fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
