the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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