Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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