it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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