im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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