i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
