When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
