meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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