i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
