Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
