dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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