I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
