shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Enjoy the penises
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
