You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
