Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
