he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
