I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
