ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
