Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Randomize
