i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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