its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
