For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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