i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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