Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
