I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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