I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
