i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
