I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
