So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
