dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
